I haven't been posting any entries lately because I've been enveloped by Kingdom Hearts... I love that game... and now that I know of more secrets to it, I must obtain them...

I was exited yesterday because my watch told me it was today... I mean... A day closer to my birthday... I don't think there's gonna be cake though... oh well, I don't really care for it anyway...

I like dots....

My current theme: Inner Universe by Yoko Kanno (Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex theme, full version)

I love how a person can keep playing a video game, even though they recieved (or bought) new ones for their birthday... Even though I got Chaos Legion, and bought Tales of Symphonia, I'm still willing to finish Kingdom Hearts before I start playing either of them. Maybe it's obsession or need to accomplish something, I dunno, I just like the game, as well as anyone who's smart enough to remember that you'll still have the new game whenever you beat the one you're playing.

My birthday didn't go as planned. Nearly everyone thought the party was next weekend or something... One person remembered when my party was. Then I called James, and reminded him that my birthday was today, so him and his little brother (he was babysitting or something) came over, then Tyler (the one person who remembered when my party was) called Ross, who I hadn't called because I forgot I had his number, and he came over, then I pulled Bert over to the party when he called for no real reason. I love how these things just happen... I think I may have given out wrong information, therefor making it my fault no one would have shown up... I don't know, but I don't hold anyone reaponsible. We had just enough people to make sure we didn't buy all that food wastefully.

I just want to be done with everything, I mean, I have no idea what will happen over the school year, no idea what to do with my spare time during school, or what I'm going to do about college in two years! GAH! I just need a nap here and there... I'll get through it...

I have one thing to say about dentists... they fuck you up good in that joint... I gots t3h happy gas ^_^. My mouth is still numb... it sucks... I don't remember how long to wait before I eat anything!!! AND I'M FUGGIN HUNGRY!!! Oh well, I guess it's for the better, at least I'll be ABLE to eat the stuff most people consider 'food' now... I hope.

I need mystery goo...

I'm gonna go look for backgrounds again... -sigh-

Mystery goo... The hardest synth item to obtain in Kingdom Hearts. You have a 1 in ohdeargod chance of the heartless you get the item from even showing up. Then, you have to perform a specific task. Rare Truffles you have to juggle in the air about fifty times, I got to five. Black Funguses I have no idea what you're supposed to do. White Mushrooms require you to strike them with three magic spells that they specify through their body motions. Needless to say, even if you find the damn things, that's about half the battle...

My teeth actually hurt worse AFTER the dentist appointment... but I took a nap and it's not so bad anymore, so I guess the dentist didn't screw up my mouth.

I think I've finally stopped obsessing over Kingdom Hearts again. I'm gonna start a new file on Tales of Symphonia. Honestly, I'm bored. I need to go somewhere and buy something. The mall closed on me the other day, so I hadn't been aboe to buy most of the stuff I went there for. Who knew malls closed at six? I'm gonna end up going back tomarrow to buy movies and games and all that good shit to keep myself busy while I don't have anything better to do.

My tooth still hurts! Damn you dentists!

You are Water! You're Kind and Careing. An
excellent friend and you love to swim!

Element Personality Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.

What Kind of Smile are You?
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You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying. "And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again." Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian). The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire. Her sign is the eclipsed moon. As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Gonna have more soon...

I guess I"m not over the game after all, Here's some quizzes.
You're the opposite of Jealous Riku; you think of
others before yourself, and may even neglect
your own feelings and well-being for that
person/those people. You're noble and
admirable, but sometimes you may take it a BIT
too far...

Which Riku Are You? (Kingdom Hearts)

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Riku

Which Kingdom Hearts Character are You Most Like?
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Dammit, that's all the quizzes they had... MUST FIND MORE!

Well, I think I'm gonna try some Quizilla shit, just because I'm bored. I went to the mall today, and bought the first three books of DNAngel. Why the hell didn't I buy more? I was done with them in a few hours! And they didn't have either of the movies I wanted in, so I had to have them order some copies. I think I'm gonna have my friend James (palookalord) burn me a copy of Gorillaz: Demon Days so that I don't have to spend any REAL money on it. I really have to think about buying anything over ten bucks because I have limited finds, and I'm trying to save up my money. I found a few games I might like, but I should wait until the prices drop a little... I'm already planning to reserve a copy of Kingdom Hearts II next time I go, as well as get a few more manga and movies. Man, I'm spending too much...

After the mall trip, we went to pick my brother up at my dad's. We live with mom, and dad's place is a ways away, so we don't see him very often. Back to the topic... We stopped by a convenience stopre that had a display of medival weapons and such. I bought a nodachi. The blade looks more medival english than feudal japanese though... it's wierd. You'd need to see it...

Goin' for the quizzes now...

Explanation: You have the ability to
freeze, push forward or go back in time. In
good purposes it is used to prevent bad deeds,
and the opposite for evil purposes.
As a person your emotional level has been on
hold. For one reason or another emotions has
reduced and now you aren't so full of life. And
of course, this does not sadden you since you
could care less. Sometimes though you can be
hit by emotioal waves inside but you block it
all out. You don't search for something that
could make you happy since you have no hope in
that area any longer. People probably see you
as annoying because you're not involved and
just stand there. You probably don't have that
many friends either, and you feel like you are
with them because that's what you normally do.
You stick to your habits and don't appreciate
changes.
Negative aspects: One day all emotions
are gonna surface again, and that day will be
very painful. Instead it is more wise to start
up the emotional level bit by bit, so it won't
come as a big chock.

What Power is Compatible With You? [beautiful anime pictures + 12 detailed results]

brought to you by Quizilla

Your emotion is anger.You can sometimes be calm but
under stressful situations you show your true
nature.If it is to get your own way,protect or
friend or some other reason but this doesnt
stop you from being your calm cool self
afterwards

What emotion are you(anime pics!!!!!!!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Samurai.
You are full of honour and value respect. You
are not really the stereotypical hero, but you
do fight for good. Just in your own way. For
you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil
person, if it is for justice and peace. You
also don't belive in mourning all the time and
think that once you've hit a bad stage in life
you just have to get up again. It's pointless
to concentrate on emotional pain and better to
just get on with everything. You also are a
down to earth type of person and think before
you act. Impulsive people may annoy you
somewhat.

Main weapon: Sword
Quote: "Always do the right thing.
This will gratify some people and astonish the
rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
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You are a total 100% (or some percent close)
badass! You don't give a crap what others say
or think about you most of the time. And you
also are not afraid to blurt out what you
think! You rock!

~*~ Are you a true badass?! ~*~ (WITH ANIME PICS!)
brought to you by Quizilla

A Kusarifundo? What do you think that is? It's a
chain-like whip that is very dangerous, and it
hurts--oh, yeah, a lot. You can really dish out
the punishment with this kind of weapon, and
that's why this weapon suits you. Sometimes you
like to dish out the punishment, which you like
to do it rarely. You're also quite tough and
mysterious--just like the weapon. (At 1st look
of your weapon, it looks very mysterious and
it's hard to tell how to use it.)And most
people think that it is a whip, which
represents cruelty, which you most certainly
are not. You're just an average person with a
better weapon. (Let's just say that the bullies
that were beaten up by this weapon, that
they'll be needing dental records just to find
out who they are.)

Which (exotic) weapon represents you the best?

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You belong in Naruto. you've got the skills of a
ninja, and like proving yourself. Training in
Martial Arts and using some stealthy weapons
would provide enough entertainment to last a
lifetime, and you'd like a few adventures to
pop up along the way.

Which Anime Do U Belong In? (Chobits, Fullmetal Alchemist, InuYasha, Yu Yu Hakusho, Naruto, Gravitation, Elfen Lied)
brought to you by Quizilla

I can't find any more quizzes! Dammit!

What Escaflowne Character Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

WHY THE HELL AM I ALWAYS ALLEN?!?

What Anime Stereotype Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

What is your ideal Final Fantasy weapon? (With Pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

 
You are Bahamut! You are King of the Dragons, and
rightfully so, for few can stand up to your
Mega Flare. Everything about you simply
screams "bad ass."

What Final Fantasy summon are you?
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Dammit... I wanted Anima... -sniff- Oh well, Bahamut's still kick ass!

You are Bahamut!

What Final Fantasy Summon are you?
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Again, I wanted Anima, but Bahamut's still great!

I'm sorry about all the quizzes, I've just been bored lately.

Anyway, school's gonna start soon, and the school still needs to give out the damn supply list. Mom won't go school shopping without it. So I may be down a few things when school starts. Just another thing to worry about.

Other than that, my life's been pretty peachy. Dull, but still acceptable... With school comes homework, which is bad, but at least I'll have something to do with my spare time.

I'm on my cell phone a lot more than I've ever been, even though the only people who have ever bothered to call me were Hannah (emoetry), Samar (James/palookalord), and Jess (tsunade)... and I don't use my phone that much... maybe two or three times a week... I guess I just don't need my cell as much as most people would think...

I said I was done with quizzes, but I can't help it!!! T_T

What Bleach Character Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

What Outlaw Star Character Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

Okay, I've been too involved in my video games lately... Especially Kingdom Hearts and Tales of Symphonia. I'm doing nothing but sitting on my ass in front of the tv, controller in hand. My life is boring. I need more friends. Frankly, I need a life, and I'm complaining about it here until the thought of actually getting up, going outside and DOING SOMETHING penitrates my thick skull.

School starts soon. Lucky me...... I'm serious, I needed some reason to go outside, this is just as good as most. Anyway, I might try out for track if I can figure out how. I'm a nerd, not a jock, so this will be my first year trying to sign up for a sport. Power to the nerds! We will one day rule you pathetic jocks! Muhwahahaha!

I found more quizzes, and had to share them.

What Kingdom Hearts Character Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

What Xenosaga Character Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

Okay, I think I'll go for a walk... I need some air.

They mispelled his name...

You are Kratos!
Which Tales of Symphonia Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

That's better...

You're Kratos! you're the silent and strong
warrior. people might get annoyed by you,
because they don't know if they can trust you
or not, but when in need you always show up to
help. you keep your emotions to yourself and
often don't show who you really are. maybe
something in the past has made you this way.

Weapon: sword/dagger

Special ability: magic and angelic powers

Which Tales of Symphonia character are you like? {spoilers but also great pictures}
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay everyone, do you think I do the quiz thing too much? Should I go back to just blogging about my day?

I would have posted an entry sooner but my brother was on the computer. Anyway, I finally pre-ordered Kingdom Hearts II. It's bound to be a great game. I also bought Princess Mononoke (Finally >-< ) DNAngel volumes 4-6, and a novel on .Hack. I spent the day reading the novel. Now I'm gonna start reading my manga.

No quizzes for once...

Well, I ended up going to walmart again with mom. we had some shopping to do. I got candles. I'm a pyro, and I love it ^_^. After that, we went out to my grandparent's place for lunch. My life is boring. I'm going to go look for more quizzes...

Mean lil fellow, arn't you?

What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are the person who would rather live someone
else's life. And this is mostly because you're
not really sure who you are, and if you have
people who really love you and will be there
when you fall. Maybe you don't know that you
already have fallen. You are quite closed,
because you have to figure those things out for
yourself. People might think you're strange of
just plain weird, and you might even agree with
them. As long as you remember that this is a
fase. You don't have to dream to have a nice
life. Just look at the things that have the
potential to make you happy, and notice there
are people who do care about what happens to
you. They might be closer then you think.
Follow your own path, but don't be afraid to go
left instead of right. Good luck!

Motto; I don't have to change. I just have to
remember who I really am.

Who are you inside? (detailed and yes, with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, when I got out of school, I went over to a friends' house... he made me and another friend help clean his room. Not what I would have wanted to do with my time... After that, My stomach started to hurt, so I went home, and here I am, leaning over the keyboard, putting my weight on the back of the chair. It's the only way I can sit here AND type. It's not fun having a pain in yur gut like this...

I'm actually looking forward to school tomarrow. I know the work's gonna be hell, but I can't say I can complain... yet...

I'll be back on later...

I've been depressed lately. There's no real way I can say it better than that. I haven't been able to find any good quizzes either... Well, I'll be on later if there's anything to blog about...

Stargate tonight!

General Hammond: You are a born leader and you
possess a quiet strength. You are always
willing to go that extra mile for your friends.

Which Stargate Character Are You? (Now with pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Ah... a stargate quiz... one of many I'll be posting.... I think...

Blog-napped from spazmonkey.

How evil are you?

You are Teal'c!

Which Stargate Character Do You Act Like The Most?
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You are Teal'C. Having given up your post as First
Prime of Apophis to fight your former master
and the other Goa'uld, you have great courage.
You will do most anything for your friends.
Although you do not say much, you have proven
yourself effective as a leader.

Which Stargate SG-1 Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm doen for the night... I think.

I'm really bored, even with the homework... I mean, can you really call it homework if half the class finishes it before the damn bell rings? The only thing that could be a problem is a thing for US history, and that's just a presentation with a minute-or-so speech. Easy (or it would be if I actually STARTED working on it). Well, to sum up these past few days... damn... I can't even remember anything worth summing up... oh well.

What do you call it when you feel hung over from depression brought on by the thought of worthlessness after eating too much mack'n'cheese? I'm serious. I want to know.

Ugh... I'm gonna hate myself in the morning... Usually I can only hate myself for about twelve hours, then I go to sleep and forget yesterday ever happened. But I doubt my gut'll let me go to school tomarrow. If it does, think miracle.

I really hate blogging about useless information like stomach pains... Gotta go find some quizzes or something to cheer myself up.

Damn... I still have half of my homework left... Guess I'll do that instead.

Well, I'm blogging from home, I stayed back from school. So, I'll need to catch up on all that shit I missed, plus do all the crap they'll have tomarrow... Dammit... It'd be Biology now... the last class in the day I'm worried about. Then there's milti-media, Herbert (teacher) lets us come in absolutely whenever if we need to catch up. Hell, I could go in tomarrow, after school, do a few hours work, and sleep the next few days in class. and after that's study hall, so the classes at the end of the day really aren't a problem. It's the other ones I'm worried about. Well, I'm gonna go find something to do. Bye.

Our forum site is dying. We need people who will post on a regular basis...

I must seem pretty pathetic, pleading to an audience who probably won't even listen, but we need new members.

Other than that, my day's been pretty good. I'm gonna be in some pretty deep shit when I go back to school though. Missed two days... damn...

My day went okay, If you don't go into the fact that I'm gonna have to make up the work I missed today in school. I have no idea what's wrong with me, but I just couldn't go today. I think it has to do with my sleeping habits... I guess sleep really is a necessity. Without sleep, my memory is worse than it normally is. I think I had a lapse where I forgot what school is... I remember I forgot what a toaster was called once, and the worst part is, I shouted out, 'The thing that toasts bread! What is it?!?' Hilarious. Strange, the only things I can remember are the things I want to forget... Oh well. That's life. ^_^

Must not eat sugar-laced products! They will only keep me awake longer!!!

Well, I've decided that I'm gonna stay up tonight. It's better than going to bed at like, three (the time I estimate I'll be done with all the homework I've been neglecting to do) and waking up groggy and unable to do any schoolwork tomarrow morning. That always happens. If I go to sleep past one or two in the morning, I can't think straight, let alone do anything school related. So, I'm just gonna tough it out, I've done it before with good results, and I'll be damned if this is the last time. Mom and me are gonna look for some sleep pills tomarrow after school, that should help.

Dammit, I came home second period to take a nap because I was falling asleep in class (It's the first time it's ever happened after an all-nighter...) And I woke up six hours later. And I wanted to at least catch the classes at the end of the day... I hate my sleeping habits. I only sleep for long periods of time when I don't want to... Weird, huh?

I need food... I'll be back on later.

I just got a job application from one of my favorite stores in the salem mall, so I might have a job over winter break, and maybe a little bit afterward. So... I really have no idea what this would mean to any of you, but it's good news for me if no one else gets the job.

Dammit, I've got a cold, I'm depressed, and what's worse, I've got a horrible feeling in the pit of my gut. Just another 'don't be surprised if something horrible happens (and we all know it will)' feelings. Oh well, life kinda sucks anyway.

If I died in my sleep, my only fear is that I couldn't see those who had come to cry over my grave.

I don't believe in an afterlife. That's why I fear death.

It seems like my reasons for blogging are getting worse. Maybe I should take the time I spend here and use it for something else. I need sleep, but I just can't. I don't sleep enough anymore, my grades this year are already worse than last year's, and I can't seem to focus on anything.

I don't know if I'll be on here anytime soon.

I went to the doctor today. I need to change my diet so that I can sleep at night. I need fruits, vegitables, and grains. Currently I'm living on a diet of Mountain Dew, ramen, and mac&cheese... Why don't they just make ramen a food group of it's own and get done with it? It' doesn't count as a grain, right? It's just flour compressed into little strands with some water added in. That's not a grain I tell you!!!

If nothing else, ramen deserves to be made it's own food group.

Now that I'm done talking about ramen, I also need to stop drinking as much pop as I do. Like half a liter a day's gonna kill me. Or it might be more than that, I haven't bothered to keep track in a while...

On a seperate note, I'm finally catching up on my homework. And yes, I'm failing all my classes because I never turn anything in. So, I'm trying to do just that. Better late than never. I got in trouble once for using that as my argument to a teacher regarding homework...

Since I'm gonna be doing homework for quite some time, I'm gonna have to cut back on my mindsay time, as well as other internet activities. I'm finally beginning to hate homework.

My cat's gonna be put down soon. Urinary track problems, we can't afford the operation. I'm gonna end up getting sick about this, so It's really a good thing the weekend's coming up. ^_^ You thought I was gonna go into a eulogy speech huh? Frankly, I learned to detach myself from people, pets, and material possesions long ago, but it still hurts... A little.

I started to keep myself from feeling attachment when I found out how bad my mom was... Smoking and all that shit... So, I don't want it to hurt when people I care about die. If my parents died, I'd move on. If a friend died, I'd cry for a few days, and move on. My cat dies, I might start to tear up, then move on. I really hate myself for it, but I can't help it anymore. It's been this way as long as I can remember.

Another thing I hate is the fact that I never remember these things about myself until something like this comes up. Then I go cold. Otherwise, I'd actually have something to put in my blog other than this shit.

I'll probably have more later on tonight...

Well, I'm addicted to video games again. I've been playing Final Fantasy X for about three days striaght now. (unless you count school and sleeping and all that crap.) Auron is probably the coolest game character out there, and if I can find a batter pic of him than the Kakashi one I've got as my header, I'm replacing it. Or finding somewhere else to stick it...

My cat's been creamated, and I get these chills whenever I look at that tin can mom had him brought home in... It's really irritating.

I'm really hating myself right now. On the one hand, I've got all these uber-powerful items and stats in FFX, which is gratifying, and due to this, the homework keeps piling up.

That reminds me... I need to do homework... GAH!!!

Why does no-one listen to me when I tell them that Anima is the most powerful summon in FFX? I mean, his standard attack does more than the damage limit... Twice that of any other aeon... Or at least twice Bahamut's damage... Why won't they listen?

I love the satisfaction of getting the best weapons in the game, the trouble is finding all three parts of the damn things...

I should get off, I need to shower, eat, and play FFX for another hour before going to sleep. Why am I obsessed so?

I never realized how fun racing chocobos was... Aside from FFX, I really don't have anything I can talk about. We don't have school tomarrow. I have no idea if this is a national thing or not, but I'm still happy.

Mom made pie. Pumpkin pie. Two of them. They're almost gone now. That makes me sad. Every Thanksgiving mom makes three or four pies for the family. Unfortunately, thanks to me, only one, maybe two make it to the party. Needless to say, I like pie.

Note to self: do homework.

Just 'cause I was bored-

Your death will be suicide....Most likely because
people won't except you or love you or because
you hate life itself...You have constent
thoughts of suicide daily....and you plan when
you will. Someday it will happen....You most
likely die alone in your house...with nothing
but dark music playing. You'll probably write a
sucide note and die right by your bed side....

How Will You Die And Why? .:Beautiful Dark Pics:.
brought to you by Quizilla

A demon watches over you. You may find yourself at
times wishing those you dislike dead.
Sometimes, you may find yourself being jealous.
Anger can often get the best of you. You are a
unique individual. Overall though, you are a
kind person with a big heart. Your demon is
always watching over you. Though a demon may
seem like evil is watching you, it is not true.
Your demon is on neither side; good nor evil.
Your demon is on your side. Your demon is
constantly protecting and guiding you down the
right path for you in life.

Who is your soul guardian?
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People see nothing in your eyes. You seem to either
be indifferent about everything or are trying
to cover up a lot of pain. Your eyes have a
cold stare that can make people shiver. Try to
show a little more caring, because your hard
exterior most likely drives people away.
...stop looking at me like that...stoppit!

What can people see in your eyes?(great ANIME pics)((IMPROVED!!!))
brought to you by Quizilla

I got back from a walk about an hour ago, and got caught up in the movie my brother was watching. Anger Management. I love cold, dark nights like this, but lately they're not as fun as they used to be. Too many odd sounds.

I need to find something else to do. I'm bored again...

My grandparents are taking us out for chinese food. The old folks are great. I like gramps, but he can be a little... WWII at times.. y'know? Hates Japanese people. I have yet to tell him straight out that I'm taking Japanese and plan on moving to Japan. He'd probably flip... Grannie's.... well... she's the sweet old lady you can't stand to dissapoint. Scary huh? my grandparents are a steriotype...

The only chinese food I really like anymore is that sweet&sour junk. Whole platefulls of it. Pork. I loves me some pig meats. ^_^

Damn... I'm sick of food, AND hungry at the same time.... My stomach's hurting in all sorts of ways now...

Just 'cause I thought my answer was hilarious...

Congratulations, you're Tidus. Athletic and
sporty, you have a mouth on you that tends to
get you into trouble at the worst of times.
You have a strong heart and follow it around
the world. Your sense of justice is very
strong, indeed, and you'll gladly stand by your
friends. Some people see you as annoying,
others think you're drop-dead sexy. We'll
leave that decision up to the fans...

Final Fantasy X - Personality Test
brought to you by Quizilla

Goddammit... I can't sleep. I have a dentists appointment on Tuesday, and I'm gonna ask Emily out tomarrow. That's probably what's keeping me up.

Asking a girl out on my first date. FUCK!!! Now I'm never gonna get to sleep!

The Homecoming dance is this Saturday, and I should find someone to go with. (gonna go anyway, but what the hell, I'll ask.)

I really hate myself right now. I'm nervous! Nervous dammit!!! I can't be nervous!!!

Goddammit, now I'm ranting......

I was late to class, big whoop, right? I had to sleep in to make up for the time I spent being 'overexited' last night. But I still had to make third period. (the only period in the day I have Emily in the same class as me.) And the only time I could have talked to her was before class, and lo, THERE'S A FUCKING AM ASSEMBLY TODAY. I was late to class.

I'm at lunch right now. (skipping the assembly, so I have about an hour) and I'm eating Ramen. Not much more to my day then that. I'll ask Emily out wednesday.....

I just found out there's no school on Wednesday. I hate this! I have to wait until Thursday, TWO DAYS before the dance to ask her, and then I might not even get the chance! I'm really depressed right now.

Damn dentist appointment tomarrow. They fucked up one of my fillings last time too, I'll need to tell them about that. Plus the two cavities I need to get drilled, this really blows... I hate those dentists... not only do they stick the damn needle under your teeth, but they wiggle it around while it's in your gums.

The forum's still dying. Frequent posters needed. Well, the link's in my bookmarks, that's all I can do.

I usually hate chain letters and stuff like that, but that one was good.

Anywho... I know you're gonna be asking about this but, what do you call it when you die by accident? I mean, it's homicide if someone kills you, it's suicide if you kill yoursenf, but what's the 'cide' term for like, falling off a cliff?

She said no. But I'm fine with that.

As soon as I find out who she's going to the dance with though, he's going to have a horrible, if not ironically convenient accident. jk

But seriously, I'm fine with it. I'm Fuggin giddy that I could even get up the nerve to ask her though. That's why I'm fine with it.

I still miss having a girlfriend though, and that hurts.

Going to the dance tonight, I just need to find something to do until then.

I should be keeping up on all this, but I'm not. I just have all this trouble making big entries. like, anything more than six or seven lines. I hate that. My life just isn't good enough to brag about, and isn't horrible enough to complain about.

I hate myself.

A few weeks ago, my mom got an email from one of her friends, asking if I knew a kid that just went to jail. Like, it had the report and everything (it included a pic and list of crimes) and I just have to say it. I should've killed him when I had the chance. He got arrested for rape. And I didn't bash his head in when I had the chance. I was going to, I had picked up a chair, and I was walking towards him ominously, then I got takled by one of my friends, who, at the same time didn't want me to go to prison or jail or wherever they send teenagers for murder, and was twice my size. Thanks Tyler, fish-boy assaulted a girl and I could've prevented it.

I bit my lip the other day, Wednesday I think, and it's still not healed. Is this normal? I can taste blood too...

I got to have friends stay over two nights in a row. Friday night, James and Jacob slept over. We played Super Smash Bros. and Farcry Instincts (sp) all night. Well, James played Farcry... we watched. My brother (who is actually mentally handycapped (sp)) started bitching when I unhooked his PS2 from the TV to plug in the Gamecube. Five minutes later mom gave me one of those 'it's not your fault, but go easy on him anyway' speeches, that was surprisingly short, and didn't make me feel as bad as it should've, a half hour later all four of us (me, James, Jacob, and my brother, Joey. Damn... lotsa 'J' names...) were playing SSB. 45 minutes after the talk with mom, and joe was bitchin' about how we were picking on him. He was playing as the fucking Ice Climbers, and he was good at it. James was Y. Link, and me and Jacob were both Marth. Of course we're gonna pick on him. That's part of the game. After he stopped playing, James hooked up DDR while me and Jacob made a new foam sword for Amtgard. (or amtguard, I don't know how to spell it, and if you don't know what it is, google it.) I honestly wanted to play too, but James got tired mid-swordmaking, so he started on Farcry Instincts. He was playing until I fell asleep. I don't remember what happened in the morning, I just know we had bacon. After those two left, I was bored the whole day. I was so bored I blocked it from my memory. Later on, when it started to get dark out, I went over to James' house, as he left some stuff over at mine. His little brother was having a friend stay the night, so we decided to let James stay at my house again. Unfortunately, the dance I was going to went until nine, and noone wanted James out that late, so he had to go too. Let's face it. I had a great time poking fun at him. His mom made him wear something you'd only see on Orlando Bloom. The dance was horrifically boring though. So, we left early, rented some movies, and came back to my place. We rented the animated Van Helsing movie and Armitage. We were able to get through the VH movie and get in some game time before going to sleep. We had more bacon for breakfast, and James had a hair appointment, so he had to leave. I have no idea why he sets up appointments though, long hair must be a bitch to take care of. I got through Armitage after he left. To put it simply, it's Ghost in the Shell's decaf twin. I've been playing FFX since then.

Look ma, my first big entry...

Had leftover steak and biscuits. (sp) That's my dinner.

Now I'm looking for something to do. Might read up on some webcomics...

That bite in my lip's getting worse. I looked at it in the mirror, and it was like, that weird green color shit gets when you've eaten too much sugar. So, I put some Hydrogen Peroxide on it, (sorry if I butchered the spelling) and it hurt like hell, but it's not too green anymore... I think... I'm gonna try to remember to have mom look at it tomarrow, maybe I'll get out of school if she think's it's infected... And if it is infected... well, let's just say it's on that really thick part of my lower lip, where I can have a chunk missing on the inside and not have anyone notice, just in case surgery is required. So, it's all good.

Hey, it doesn't hurt anymore... Yay!

We had three fire alarms go off today. It rocks because we (my class) tricked our teacher into setting off the first one, and I think that screwed up the system or something, and then two more went off the period afterwards.

During one of the fire drills, a few of the guys, the other guys, were talking about what role the cabin boy servs on a ship, and frankly, I had to set them striaght... so I walked up to them, and stated "come on, the cabin boy's the captain's bitch."

We had focus groups today in school. For those of you who don't know what those are, feel lucky, and pray you never find out. Anyway, that took place between second and third periods, so the schedule really had eight periods today rather than seven, so we got out for lunch after third, rather than fourth. I needed sleep, so I went home during lunch and slept the rest of the way through school. You know, I haven't had a significant amount of sleep in three days.... maybe four hours total. Three this afternoon, and an hour yesterday.

My stomach hurts again. Bad cramp or something. Considering staying home tomarrow.

I spent most of the afternoon either at my grandparent's house, eating dinner, or playing FFX-2. And for those of you who hate X-2 without even bothering to play it because 'it's just a bunch of girls playing drees-up', let me give you some good points about the game. Not only is it the perfect rendition of the Real-time battle system, but the drees-up part really isn't all that bad. I mean, with some of them, you just don't get skimpier than that.

Okay, perv. moment over.

I really need to start doing my homework. I'm gonna fail all of my classes if I don't catch up... or at least do the shit they're handing out now... I'll need to work harder...

Goddamnit... I"m so bored! I'm waiting for re-runs of new episodes of shit I missed to come on, and I can't think of anything to do while I wait. I'll probably end up stuffing my face the whole time, I am hungry....

Been a while since I went looking for quizzes... I think I'll do that.

I'm addicted to webcomics. I have eight, counted 'em, eight webcomics in my favorites, and at least one more that I need to put on there. I'm happy. I get tomorrow off from school, plus Wednesday and Friday off next week. I'm having my school schedule changed so that I can sleep in. lack of sleep is affecting my schoolwork, and the teachers see that. So now I'll have like, four or five periods rather than the usual seven, and just have a shitload more homework. Heh, won't really matter though, if I get four classes, I'll have one period to do homework in, if five then two.

I love fucking with the system.

I'm sorry if I'm never on here anymore, I just lead an uninteresting life. I do attend an afterschool activity though. (can't remember if I've brought this up before) I'm a member of the 'gamer's club' which deals with video games. We sit on our nerdy little asses and play video games in Ralston's room for two or three hours after school gets out.

Anyway, I've gotten pretty boring, but I've still got stuff to blog about, as you can see, so I'll just put up the links to a few of those webcomics and call it a night.

Well, I still have problems blogging about stuff right after it happens. Friday, My brother was trying to return World of Warcraft because, come to find out, we can't afford the monthly fee. So, since he couldn't return it, being as it's an online-only game and the only part of it that matters is the access code thinger, which he'd already put in, so he couldn't return it. He had wasted fourty bucks without knowing it, so mom bought him another game. Starcraft. She bought him another game even though it was entirely his fault! This just pisses me off. We're fucking poor and he gets mom to buy him another fucking game. Personally, if he can't afford the game, he shouldn't get the game. I have to save up for games, him however, who 'can't save money', gets mom to waste more of it on him. The reason I'm so fucking pissed about it is, the first thing he does when he starts up, and I mean the first fucking thing, before even issuing an order, he puts in a cheat code. He puts in a fucking cheat code before even clicking the damn mouse once! If you're that into cheat codes, you shouldn't play video games. At all. He gets mom to buy him all these PC games, and he doesn't do shit on them without cheats. It's not that he can't, it's that he won't.

Fuckin' tard brother. He's smarter than he looks. Smart enough to take advantage of mom.

After mom bought him the game, I reserved Legend of Zelda, Twilight Princess. And I found out Kingdom Hearts 2 got pushed back. They also fucked up my account, so we had to call in and have it changed. With my luck, they'll fuck it up again, and when the time comes that the games actually come out, I won't be able to get them.

Current release dates:

KH-2 (3/2/06)

LoZ Twilight Princess (4/2/06)

I'll update them if I find out theyve changed again.

I know I should be doing something more important right now... Like sleeping. But if all went well, I don't need to be at school until third period. Lucky me.

I think I'll eat something, shower, and then go to bed...

Well, I got my schedule changed. Now I don't have to be at school until ten! But this raises a dillemma... What abo;ut the time I usually spend with friends before class? And where are those damn work packets?!?

Right now, though, the most pertinent question would be, what am I going to do until then? I have an hour before I need to be back at school. Too little time to do most things, but too much to do everything else!

GAH!!!!

George and Robert were talking about who was dating who because Robert has a crush and George and his girlfriend just broke up. It just made me feel like shit, y'know? I'm happy for Bert, but he stands no chance whatsoever, and let's face it, George is gonna kill himself when he figures out the women are just humoring him.

Me on the other hand, I just hate everyone right now. I'm incompetent, and ,my problem isn't one you can ask for help on. I mean, having the girls I know snoop around to see who's single is just a little too low. I know I'm just sitt'n here bitchin', but I'm really troubled by this. I can't talk to women, not even the casual conversations you have with the girls you don't like. It just doesn't work that way with me. If I don't know you, I'm not gonna talk to you, whether I want to or not. I'm an ashole by nature, and I just can't open up to people.

Damn, writing this shit's just making me feel worse... I'm gonna stop now before I go suicidal.

Now, I'd like to state: YEAAAAAH!!!! I'm Sephiroth bitches!!!

I spent the night over at my friend Jacob's house with James. We played video games the whole time. BUT, mom and my brother went to see Harry Potter IV while I was gone. In truth, I don't really expect the movies to be anything like the books anymore, but I still want to see it. So I can diss it in context. The Harry Potter movies are going downhill. Frankly, they ALL needed to be about twice as long as they were to get the whole story across. And that's without all the stuff that doesn't matter. Don't get me wrong, I like the actors, and the movies, I'm just saying that if they keep straying from the plot, pretty soon they won't even be able to say they were based off the books.

Dammit, I want to see that movie...

Rant over.

James was supposed to come over after the band thing at the high school football game, but I don't think he'll show up. He never does when you try to get him to remember something for after the game, too much excitement, y'know? Never been to a game before though, so I wouldn't know.

You all think that Thanksgiving is a great time of year right? Well it isn't. I have to sit around for hours after eating, during which there are few kinds of food I actually like. Okay, there are quite a few kinds of thanksgiving type food I like, but I just never feel like eating. And what's with the praying? EVERY YEAR someone has to say a prayer. I'm Atheist. I don't have to sit there and listen. But if I said anything or wasn't there, someone would get mad.

The only good thing about Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie. Mom usually makes four of em, just so one or two will actually make it to the party. I can, and do, eat a whole pie the day that they're made, and then another the day after. I like pie.

Just for the record: I like chicken better than turkey. One of the reasons i don't really like thanksgiving.

Went to go see HP- Goblet of Fire Wednesday. It was a good movie, but since I was comparing it to the book the whole time, I couldn't follow the story. I need to go back again and actually watch it.

Anyway, I bought Phantom Brave Tuesday. Good game, but it's complicated if you don't know what you're doing. I plan to be playing it for the next few hours straight after I eat something and check up on the other sites I frequent.

I know there was something else I wanted to say, but I just can't remember it right now... I'll blog later.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

  I really think that it's true. Most of it, the last part doesn't sound like me though... But enough with the pretty things...

I really just feel like destroying something. Killing, breaking, smashing, I don't care. I'm THAT pissed off at myself. I'm only passing the classes I wouldn't need to take over next year, and the teachers won't give em the damn packets to pass the classes without taking them because I'm failing them. If your schools don't have the system with the packets, then you'll have no idea what I'm talking about, and I don't feel like explaining. Plus, I'm missing so much school that I could actually fail due to number of absances.

But the real reason I'm pissed at myself is that I still can't talk to women. How can I find a girlfriend if I can't even strike up a conversation? zi'm driving myself insane, all because I'm the only guy I know who both CAN get a girlfriend, and doesn't have one. I mean, I'm not just incapable of conversation, I'm fucking scared. I hate it.

If you dont' hear from me in a while I'm either depressed, obsessed, posessed, or deceaced. Suicide's a bitch, no?

I started thinking, really hard about the meaning of life. I mean, I'd just had a bout of near-suicidal depression, so I started contemplating things.

I realize the reason I'm terrible with women is because I'm still in love with my ex. Who broke up with me around four years ago, and that the reason I've been desperately trying to find a girlfriend was so that I could finally forget her. This is the cause of most of my emotional damage, but I figured, why stop there...

I have deduced the reason for my existance. And I have worked out a way for others to do the same, like I did. Imagin yourself, staning on a bridge that has no end, in the middle of the ocean, you can pick your weather, I like it stormy. Imagine another figure into this world you've made, I had a soft spot for the evil-looking-guy-in-hooded-cloak myself. And just start asking him questions. If you ask them, and have him answer them fast enough, your brain will compile his answers without you even knowing what they are. After a while, I asked him what the reason for my existance was, and he answered, "To contradict yourself."

I loved his answer. I'm always second guessing myself, and now I know why.

The reason all of this happened was because my friend George's new girlfriend bears a striking resemblence to my ex, and it made me think about her, and thinking about her always makes me depressed.

I loved her with all my being, and when she broke up with me, with some utterly beautiful wording I might add, "We've just grown so close, you've become more of a brother than a boyfriend." Please note that I'm paraphrasing. Anyway, after that, I just forgot how to feel. For a good week or so, I stopped being happy, sad, angry, all of it. I just forgot how. Simple as that. This may also be a reason for my bad memory, my trying so hard to forget her.

Now I just hate myself more...

Now everyone's getting hyped up about Christmas. NOW??? ugh... here's a little tidbit for ya, new year's is a bigger holiday for me than Christmas. Emotionally anyway. Probably because I get most of my presents a week or two before the 25th each year. The family can't all get together at Christmas, so we have a family party, I think it was on the 19th last year, I got about 4/5 of my presents then, maybe more, I don't really remember.

Anyway, I just don't really care about the day, so just shut up. No one gives a damn about anything but what they're gonna get anymore anyway, so why celebrate the holiday? It's just more money they're gonna have when your birthday comes around, right? Ugh... why do I bother? No one's going to take me seriously.

The new year is just that, people just don't hate you as much after the new year starts, a little bit closer to a new start. I don't know, I just like thinking that way. Call me sentimental if you want, I just don't get exited about Christmas until like, a day or two before. I just don't like to get my hopes up.

I feel an odd need to rant, even though I have no idea what to rant about...

A. I need to change my hair. I want to dye my hair, but it's too dark. I want white/silver hair dammit! I've wanted to dye my hair either pure white or platinum for a while, most of this year in fact. I need my hair straight either way, currently, if I let my hair grow out, I look kinda like I white guy with an afro. I hate my curly hair, it's almost unmanagable.

B. I might get a tattoo. I'm 17 now, Aug. 29, 1988. So pretty soon I'm gonna be able to make those kinds of choices. But I have no idea about what to get, or even if I want to get one. A phoenix. I need to think this over.

C. I've found a girl I want to ask out, but I can't. Why the hell are all the girls worth dating either already taken, or not in the mood to date? I haven't asked yet, but I have a good idea that she doesn't. Damn. And George, if you ever say the words "I win" in the same context as today again, I'll tear your spleen out, and any other organs I can get my hands on.

Ugh... I'll probably have more later, my brother is watching Last Laugh '05, and I can't concentrate.

George, read the stuff at the bottom, I want you to reply to this.

If you haven't already noticed, I like to type as I come up with stuff, Like how I said I had no idea what to rant about, then I found something. I work as I go. It usually takes me a half our to figure out how to word things right, and how to type these things up.

Since summer break, I've wanted to change my image, and now I'm thinking about doing that. Enacting all of the things I'd decided to do, but hadn't. I'll make a list of what I was planning to do-

1. Find way to straighten hair. Don't care where, don't care how.

2. Dye hair either pure white, or platinum (which is a shade of BLUE). it would go well with my eyes, whicch are platinum-blue (I love my eye color.). My hair is currently dark-ish brown.

3. Get a job, gonna need money for the next step...

4. Buy exclusively black/red wardrobe, complete with WAY too many belts/chains and go goth.

(Yes, I was going to be a white goth rather than a black goth. Well tanned, with white hair rather than the pale freaks with black hair.)

5. Scare the fuck out of the other goths with my happy outlook on life, and semi-perky attitude.

Now however, I think I'll go black goth if I can. I'm already pale, and I've got wicked oversized canine teeth that look like fangs. I am serious.

Maybe I'll just go as blond as I can, then work from there... I have no idea anymore.

Personal stuff-

Jorje, if you don't plan on breaking up with your current girlfriend, would you have a problem with me asking Whitney out? (If you punch me in the next few days, I'll understand, I can shrug off a hit or two.) And James, if you give me hell about this, you will fucking BURN. Whitney has a wonderful personality, she's smart, funny, and if I say anymore, I'll have to hit myself. But seriously George, I don't love Whitney the way you do, I just like her, and I want to get to know her better, then take it from there. Plus, there's always the chance she'll turn me down.

I really do sound like an idiot, huh?

Dammit, as far as I can tell, George hasn't been on mindsay for a while, and doesn't plan to come back. So, I might have to ask him in person.

DAMMIT!!!

Or I could bypass him completely........

Ugh... Choices....

I'm going to shave later on tonight, before my nightly shower. I SHALL NO LONGER BE KNOWN AS 'THE WOOKIE!!!!' I actually am known as the Wookie, for my insane sideburns, and when I yawn, I actually sound like a Wookie. It's sad. Bill thinks I sound like an ewok though. I like Wookies better.

Okay, now on to checking the rest of my stuff...

I wonder how many of my friends won't recognize me without this shag rug on my face...

I think I should stop talking about my facial hair. Sure, it's interesting to me, but it's not interesting to anyone else.

Ugh. I missed my chance to ask her out today, MULTIPLE CHANCES. I will ask her out tomarrow if it kills me! GAAAH!!!!!!

Well, now that I've asked Whitney out, I've unblocked the two entries in which I conspired to ask her out. I figured why bother? I mean, I wanted her to find out I was asking her out WHEN I asked her out. But now that's over.

We're still not a couple, as I JUST asked her out, but I'm gettin' there... But I can't say I'm single anymore... ugh... I'll have to sort all this out at lunch. But you know what's odd? The only time I'm comfortable around women is when I already have a girlfriend. It's like, I'm not TRYING to get close enough to ask them out, so what's the big deal?

Yeah, I'm still not sure what to do about a date though, I mean, do we even have to go out on a date? It's very confusing. Not quite 'Blarg! My brain is on fire!' confusing, but close. Like I said, I'll sort this all out at lunch.

I think I'll get up this early every morning, go to school, drop my backpack off, hang out with everyone (Including Whitney, James, George, and others), then come home and use this time I have in the morning free from school to get playing video games out of my system, and save afterschool for homework and internet time. See, I can manage my time too.

GAH!!!! What was I thinking?!? Girlfriend? She probably doesn't even like me! Dammit... I jump to conclusions too quickly...

Anyway, I didn't get into the important conversations at lunch. I was too busy laughing. I had a good time, and I can't deny I'm closer to Whitney than I've ever been, but I'm just not sure...

Ugh, we probably just need to get to know each other better s'all... Man, I jump to conclusions WAY too easily. I really hate myself for it. *sigh* I just need to breath, and take it slow. Lack of this ruined my second relationship...

I think today went well. Whitney asked me to go to Snowball. (I have no idea if it's 'snowball' or 'the snowball'... ugh... Winter Formal.) One of those girls-ask-guys dances. The first thing that went through my head was 'FINALLY!!!!' I was waiting for her to ask, and naturally I said yes. Sadly, I'm still not completely sure when it is. The calendar mom got from the school says it's mid-month in January, but everyone I've talked to about it (which is like, one, maybe two people) talkabout it like its this weekend or something. Maybe it's just THAT big a dance, and it's really that far off. I have no idea.

Still not sure if I should ask her if she wants to go to the family Christmas party. Knowing her, she'll read this and ask about it before I can say anything, I had intended to talk to her about it today, but it never came up. Half my family's going to be there, everyone I know who's under 60, plus Granny and Gramps. (Yes, I actually call them that.) I'm just not sure if meeting the WHOLE family this early on is a good thing. All four of my mom's siblings, plus any of their kids who aren't too busy. I'm talking at least twenty people. There are a few who just moved out on their own and such who might not attend, but this isn't counting them. Ugh... I need to get her a present for Christmas, plus one just in case she decides to come to the family party. (We get presents early, as I stated in earlier entries, and it's a tradition of mine that anyone I bring along has to get SOMETHING.)

Still not sure if I should change my profile info from 'single' to 'taken' yet. I'll give it a couple weeks.

DAMMIT!!! No matter how many times I edit it, the topic for the last entry won't change!

For you confused people you there, it's supposed to be 'Semi-girlfriend?'.

Now I'm just getting worried, I mean, she has yet to call! It's the day before the party! GRAH!!!! Okay, I'll probably try calling Whitney again after I finish this, so I can probably cut down on the obscenely annoying obsessive crap.

I'm probably not going to get to sleep tonight, that's a given. I slept last night, which means, with all the excitement, I probably won't be tired enough to sleep. I just hope she can go to the party... ugh... this is just gettin grediculously monotonous, every entry it's the same thing... I need to get out more...

I saw two people de-icing the McDonald's drive through. It gave me a quick laugh. now I need to remember what else happened, I didn't sleep last night, and I need caffene.

Ack... dammit. I left some messages on Whitney's cell, and I think it might have some bad results... I don't know. Well, I'm probably gonna pay for it one way or another. I have to remember never to leave messages again, they always come out wrong. Ugh... don't hate me...

I hate this, all this time I've had NOTHING to say. Well, the other day me and Whitney went on our date, which went well actually... We had dinner, talked, laughed, GREAT time... but then we tried to call so that her folks could pick her up (sadly, I still don't have a drivers licence. I've just NEVER bothered. But I swear Whitney, after Snowball, I'll be driving us to dates.) and her paren't cell phones wouldn't work. Later, I found out that the payment on their phones had been misplaced. That seems to happen at the worst possible times. But it worked out, we decided to try some landline phones, and after two, we figured we could find some help at the school (which was like, ON THAT BLOCK. sad, huh?) so we found an open door, and since it was wet outside, she slipped and fell down the stairs. She was fine, I just had to ask about three times just to make sure...

ANYWAY... we didn't find anyone at the school, so we left, and eventually we decided to have me call my mom to pick us up and drive her home. She said I was one of the first guys to come over to her house. Interesting fact there... kinda freaked me out a little, but it was cool nonetheless.

I still can't get her out of my head. We hugged, and I was thinking abut kissing her, but I ended up saying something stupid and leaving instead. Still angry about that...

Ugh... this is the first time I've ranted about a girl... it won't be the last time, mind you, but it's odd... It's still can't believe I have a girlfriend... It's like a dream, I just KNOW I'm going to wake up, and find out we're still just friends.

Dammit, I hate it when I get all sappy...

I'm sorry I haven't been on lately. I just don't have anything bad enough to talk about, and I can't figure out how to say the good stuff. Me and Whitney are going to Snowball (Winter Formal) tonight, and I just got all of the stuff I need to go, formal attire and such. No tux though, couldn't afford it. Shouldn't matter though.

Here's some bad news for you, our forum site was hit by a 'hacker' of sorts, we think he just knew someone's codes, but oh well... anyway, we've all changed our passwords, and we don't think this will happen again. the only reason this is worth talking about is that I was the only one they did anything to, thus giving me a couple firm suspects. Even I have people that hate me. I guess I should thank them really, if they hadn't done anything, I would never have bothered to change my avatar, update my info, and redo my title. I'm not going to tell you what exactly they did, but it was so perverse it was obviously not me. No one would put that shit down.

Anyway, my point is I've had some good stuff happen, as well as bad, I'll try to update this thing more often, but I have no idea if I can.

Well, I've decided it might be better for everyone's sake if George not be on the team, but I'll still put his character in the comic. However, I will, if possible, give designated positions (and those little bloglett thingies webcomic artists have) to James, Whitney, and Gwyn if they want them. James running the forum, Whitney handling website setup and upkeep (I realize she's in a web design class, and I'm pretty sure that's what they learn to do) and Gwyn (my art tutor) having her own side-comic and the job of taking care of filler comics should I not be able to update the site for a prolonged period of time.

These things are still in the developmental stage right now, as I've only just learned to draw anything remotely human-ish. Turns out I've gotta relearn a lot of this stuff... I can't even draw hands anymore! But I can tell you that we have the basic plot already lined up, as well as a good cast lineup. As soon as we start up the site, I'll put the link up here on Mindsay.

Okay, back to my life: George, my girlfriend's ex, who was my friend before me and her started going out, has started to give me the same hateful treatment he gives her. Okay, I realize I haven't stated what that was already, so I'll back up. He treats her like shit. Ever since they broke up he's blamed her for all of his problems, no matter if they're her fault or not. Ask not how I know this, I ain't gonna tell, but he does. And, even after he found a new girlfriend, Gwyn, he's still pissed at her, moreso because she's proving she can live without him. (In other words, he's pissed she hasen't come crawling back to him yet, and is instead, dating me.) To be honest, this only proves he still hasen't gotten over her, and is just using his new girlfriend to make Whitney jealous, which isn't working, and is unfair to Gwyn. I mean, he HAS ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND NOW! He's not allowed to be pissed at his ex about dating, and being pissed at her for all that other shit is blatently proposterous! In other words, he's being the world's biggest bitch. That's right, not bastard.... BITCH. Okay, get this, he's really pissed about her talking about him behind his back, wanna know how I found out? He was talking about Whitney behind HER back. Bastard, bitch, and hypocrit. (If I spelled that wrong, I'm sorry, it'll ruin my insults.) The little shit's gone all dark and emo too. Like that's going to get anyone to notice him.

And George, I know you're reading this. You can shove your hypocritical emo-tastic head up your ass.

I'm sorry everyone, I had to rant about him. They way he acts, the way he treats my girlfriend, just pisses me off.

The definition of the term 'emo' when used as a discriptive word, means 'overly emotional'. In this sense, it is only used with dark emotions, such as sadness and hate, as you wouldn't call someone happy out their ass 'emo'.

Just thought I'd clarify.

Now, as I'm too worked up to try to draw properly, I'm going to see if I can't look up some quizzes. I'm bored to the point where it's keeping me awake...

Wait, it's 6 PM? Holy shit! dammit, I thought it was dark out because it was early!

Kids, this is what happens when, like me, you don't sleep for a couple days.

I've started playing an MUD today. I'm going by the same name, Margulis, so if you're ever in Sabrous, and you see me, say hi, join my party, whatever. (I'm currently a level 4 Inhuman cleric, and I kick ass.)

In other news, I'm not a failure as an artist. I can draw people, but I'll need to show my drawing(s, currently one, but pro'lly gonna be more by the time I show any artists) to someone with art skills so they can judge me. This is my first time drawing anything remotely female, and I can't get the bust line right... HOW THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT?!? *sigh* Oh well, I guess I'll get back to drawing, or go level up some more...

Whitney broke up with me today. I should've seen it coming, but I didn't. Now I can't do anything right... I can't stop thinking about her. I can't eat, I can't draw, hell, I can't do anything... I guess I might as well just turn in early. I didn't sleep last night anyway.

Dammit, I still love her...

I can now definately state that I can't draw anymore... the spark is gone, and everything I try to do turns out wrong. I don't know what hapened, maybe I'm just depressed, and looking at my art differently than I used to... I don't know... Dammit, why does one bad thing always tear down all the good stuff I have going for me?

Right now, I'm considering not going to school tomarrow. It might be awkward to be around her for me. But then again, maybe it won't... dammit, I'm so confused... the reason she broke up with me is because we were barely even friends when I asked her out, and we don't really know anything about each other. So, I told her she could walk to my place with me after school one of these ddays, and we could just talk for a few hours. I WOULD have done the same over the weekend, but things came up and I couldn't contact her to plan anything. So, now we're back to being friends... she said we might be able to start going out again, after a while. But I'm not so sure. I'm hoping that if we do get back together, it'll be before Valentine's day... just because I'm a sap for romantic shit...

Dammit, I've been trying to schedule days where we could just sit and talk, get to know each other... That's all I've ever tried to do...

Maybe I should get some sleep... I'm not sure what good it'll do me though...

Being an otaku, I've always wondered what it's like to have your face turn into a fountain. Now, unfortunately, I know. I can barely stay consious enough to type this, I'm dizzy, disoriented, overall, this is not good. I'm thinking of staying home today.

Whitney wasn't at school this morning, (or at least, I didn't see her) which is bad because I actualy wanted to talk to her... Instead I got my consoling from Gwyn, I got a hug and a few kind words. Whitney and Gwyn are the only two girls that actually acknowledge my existance.... I told Gwyn me and Whitney broke up, thus I got the hug, and she told me to just wait for the right girl to come to me. This will not happen. I'm not social enough to attract that kind of attention. I want to be, but I'm not.

I hate being me.

For once, I just want things to go right, to end on a good note. But I know that's never going to happen. Women hate me, and I accept that.

I'm not going to miss much in school anyway... We're going to finish watching Spirited Away (with original japanese audio track and english subtitles) in japanese, and in Algebra (2), it'll just be another day of Mr. Abounadi trying to convince himself he can speak english in a way we can understand it. I really don't have any other classes... not worth going to, anyway...

Plus, I'm an otaku, I've got loads of anime on DVD I can watch with Japanese audio... hopefully, soon I'll have that movie too... So it really doesn't matter if I miss japanese today.

Now, I think I'll go and see if I can buy a blunt weapon in Sabrous, apparently, those are the cleric's specialty, and I'll get a damage bonus...

Who knew so much blood could come out one nostril?

Your date of conception was on or about 7 December 1987 which was a Monday.

You were born on a Monday
under the astrological sign Virgo.
Your Life path number is 9.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2447402.5.
The golden number for 1988 is 13.
The epact number for 1988 is 11.
The year 1988 was a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/17/1988 and ending 2/5/1989.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Dragon.

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 3 April 1988.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 17 February 1988.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 22 May 1988.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 29 May 1988.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Monday, 12 September 1988.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Saturday, 2 April 1988.
 
As of 2/1/2006 4:19:14 PM EST
You are 17 years old.
You are 210 months old.
You are 909 weeks old.
You are 6,365 days old.
You are 152,776 hours old.
You are 9,166,579 minutes old.
You are 549,994,754 seconds old.

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 2.49119373776908 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

There are 209 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 18 candles.

Those 18 candles produce 18 BTUs,
or 4,536 calories of heat (that's only 4.5360 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.06 US ounces of water with that many candles.  

In 1988 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
In 1988 the US population was approximately 226,545,805 people, 64.0 persons per square mile.
In 1988 in the US there were 2,389,000 marriages (9.7%) and 1,183,000 divorces (4.8%)
In 1988 in the US there were approximately 1,990,000 deaths (8.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.


Your birthstone is Peridot
The Mystical properties of Peridot

Peridot is used to help dreams become a reality.

Sardonyx, Diamond, Jade

Pine Tree, the Particularity

Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

I'm thinking my character on Sabrous got fucked up... permanently... I dunno... but I guess I'll start a new one, I mean, I made some mistakes the first time, and I can always do things right this time... Same race, same class, new name.

Izuul.

Had lunch with Whitney today at school. (I know, I didn't GO to school today, but that's the beauty of an open-campus school, sneak in, sneak out.) Wasn't awkward at all. Okay, a little...

Dammit, I can't walk right... And guess what? When I told my mom, she apparently thought I was playing around, because she still expects me to go to school. Well, I'd better get my cell phone (which is upstairs, I don't WANT to go upstairs with my legs in this condition, but oh well...) just in case I hit the pavement and need to call an ambulace or something to pick me up. Because if I fall down outside, I ain't gettin' back up. Period.

The reason for my legs being in such terrible shape, other than the fact that they, like most of my joints, are overworked compared to the time they have to fix the wear on them (sleep), is that I made a 15 minute trip this morning in 10. From my house to my locker - 15 minutes. The whole reason I ran that (WITH my backpack...) is that I wanted to talk to Whitney before she went to class (she has first period gym now, which means if I don't chase her down in the halls, I'm not gonna be able to talk to her until around lunch.) And I didn't make it in time. That's a blow to my self-esteem. This could have been avoided if my mom had made me leave when I told her to. I get up at 7, and tell her to kick me out by 7:40. I leave a little after 7:50. big difference when I want to be there BEFORE 8.

Dammit, I blame this one of her. I'm still wondering if I should stay home to heal up or just to spite her. I need sleep too... If I try to walk to school, ther eare two outcomes, one of which I don't want to see happen. If I make it to school, I can talk to Whitney, if I don't, I'm sure the nice people in the ambulance'll have a few words for her.

And no, I'm not kidding about calling an ambulance. My legs fucking hurt, and I wouldn't be surprised if I needed to.

Okay, compromise, I'll go to morning classes, or at least try to, and then I'll come home for afternoon classes, the ones I'd sleep through anyway. Now, if I have any problems when she gets home, I'll just have her read this.

Well, I'd better call mom and tell her my compromise. She's gonna be pissed, but I like having the ability to walk.

PS. I got tired of waiting for my other character to get out of the void, so I made another new one. There's no limit anyway, so why does it matter? One char gets fucked over, you start a new one, right? Nikitak Paladin by the name of Takashi.

emoetry finds all the best stuff...

44 QUESTIONS:

Today did you...

(for clarification, I'm counting yesterday as 'today' because it's 2:30 in the morning.)

1. Talk to someone you liked:

Yeah, my ex, I don't even remember why I called her.

2. Buy something:
Yup, two two liters of Mountain Dew, and a little more than two bucks in ramen. 'Cause we were running low...

3. Get sick:

I'm always sick.

4. Sing:
Nope.

8. Talk to an ex:
Yup.

9. Miss someone:
Yup.
___________________________________________________

Last person who....

10. Slept in your bed:
Uh... me?

11. Saw you cry:
NO ONE! NEVAR!

12. Made you cry: 
Whitney. I cried myself to sleep the night after we broke up. (well, almost)

13. Went to the movies with?
I... don't... remember...

14. You went to the mall with:

Same people as always. Mom and Joe.

15. Said "I Love You" and meant it:
The last time I said 'I love you' and meant it was when I told Whitney I loved her at Snowball.

_________________________________________________

16. Ever been in a fight with your pet:
My brother's cat is a BITCH.

17. Been to California:
Nope.

18. Been to Mexico:
Nope.

19. Been to Canada:
Nope.

20. Been to Europe: 
Never been ANYWHERE. 
__________________________________________________

Random.....

21. Do you have a crush on someone: 
If I still concerned myself with crushes, I'd pro'lly have crushes on a half-dozen girls. 

22. What book are you reading now:

I'm not. Well, not really. I don't have time to start reading a book anymore.

23. Best feeling in the world:
When she says 'I love you too'.

24. Future kids names:

Something Japanese if she'll let me. Maybe Shion or Koji..

25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal:
Nope.

26. What's under your bed:

Pr0n..... o_o what? I'm kidding!

27. Favorite sports to watch:
N/A. I dislike sports.

28. Favorite Location:

Wherever my perfect girl's hiding.

29. Piercing/Tattoos:
None. Maybe in a couple years.

30. What are you most scared of right now:
Being alone for the rest of my life.

31. Where do you want to get married?:
Mars. I kid you not. But if that doesn't work out, somewhere with a lot of trees...

33. Do you have a job:
Nope, I be a poor fucker.

34. Do you like being around people:
Depends on who you're talking about... but in general, yeah...

35. Have you ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with:
Yeah... Who hasn't?

36. Have you ever cried:
Yup... check # 11 / 12.

37. Are you lonely right now?
Yup.

38. Song that's stuck in your head right now:
None. Usually the last thing I hear though...

39. Played strip:

Nope.

40. Gotten beaten up:
Not really.

42. Been on radio/TV:
Nope.

43. Been in a mosh-pit:
Nope.

44. Ever liked someone, but you think they never noticed you?:

More times than I can remember.

Yeah, now you know a little more about me.

Well, I'm gettin' kinda bored. I swear, I'm the ONLY guy not watching the superbowl. GAYS care more about it than I do. Which is odd, I must admit, but I just never got into sports... period...

Well, back to ma's DVD set of CSI season 5. ^_^

I swear to you, if we still live on earth for superbowl 100, (I forgot the damn roman numeral... it's either C or D... M is 1000....) the world WILL end. Be it by the sheer force of fate, or becuase the losing team's fans blow it up.

PS. I AM TAKASHI! LEVEL TEN NIKITAK PALADIN, AND I KICK ASS!!!

I sent Whitney an email... If she gets it I'll talk to her about getting back together, if she hasn't, I'm going to keep hoping she doesn't take anything I put in there the wrong way... I love her and I want to be with her, but if I can't I still want us to be friends...

All I can do is wait...

I have Wake me up when September ends by Greenday stuck in my head... Why, I don't know... listening to it to figure out.

I'm worried... I haven't heard anything from Whitney... Why do I have this horrible feeling something's going to go wrong?

I'm going to try to get to bed early tonight. I know I'm not going to be able to sleep, but I have to try.

I wanted to talk to her, I should've talked to her, I could've talked to her, but I froze. I just stood there. I'll try to talk to her next time I see her... I don't know what good it'll do though...

I need a job... It's not a good thing being an otaku in a family that literally lives off spare change. Grandia III is coming out soon, and I want it, I've paid off Kingdom Hearts II, although I'm not sure whether or not they'll conveniently lose my pre-order.... And I have five down on Twilight Princess... I have a lot of games I want, and not enough money to get them... Thus, later on, I'm gonna go see if any of the places in town have job openings...

Plus, if me and Whitney do get back together, I should probably get her something for Valentine's day... And I have a present all planned out for her birthday, but I'd need to start saving up now... expensive...

Well, Whitney's not going to be going back out with me, so I'm single... This time for good. Dammit, now I'm back to square one with all of this... Ugh... I want to ask for help, but that'll only end badly. I'd know, I've done it before.

Well, I can now rent R movies and M games, which is good. Maybe it'll take my mind off some of my problems.

Now I need to get upstairs, my mother (who can't properly read out loud) is trying to read to my illiterate brother. (yes, 15 years old, and illiterate. This is what I have to put up with.) And it's getting annoying....

No matter how much I want to, no matter how much it hurts, I can't cry... I need a good cry right now, but nothing short of physical injury can make me cry right now... Break an arm, maybe a leg, shove a pencil in your eye, you're gonna tear up, right? And I can't stand pain either... It's almost enough to make me laugh... almost...

I think I might stay home today... I need to work some things out...

I have now realised two things:

Chocolate cupcakes WILL NOT last long around me... I just ate three in about two minutes...

It is seriously depressing when the phone wakes you up from a dream about catgirls...

Yes, that actually happened to me, a few minutes ago. I am now sad.

DAMMIT!!!!!! At this rate I'm never going to be able to do art for a webcomic! I need more practice, and I'm not practicing! Must force myself to draw now... It's for the good of the comic....

A heads up for all of you that are wondering... I have about a dozen main-ish characters planned, and I currently can't even draw the same thing twice, and have only gotten around to drawing (good enough to be considered a final draft for them) 1 character! GAHHH!!!!

I need to re-learn way too much... need more practice.... or a drug-induced coma... either's fine with me right now...

Well, I've determined that I can draw a person over again... or at least, make it so you can tell who it is... Now I just need to do it with more than one person... and figure out how to draw women... Too complex I tell you!

I should probably get some sleep now... I can't remember what all I was going to put in this entry, but I know that as soon as I turn the computer off, it'll hit me, and I'll just go to bed anyway...

Well, my Sabrous troubles are over... I've found out where to go to learn skills when you get to be too high a level to enter the training grounds.

Goddamn lawnmower won't start... It's got gas, oil, the damn starter fluid... checked the spark plug... won't start.

I think I'm going to hit it with a hammer... a very large hammer...

You fight for your twin flame.
No one hurts the one close to you. You care for
them so much that you'd do anything to
protect them and keep them from any harm at
all. No one can touch them while you're
around. They must appreciate all this
protection you offer them. You'll never give
up in a fight as long as you have them to
fight for.

Why Do You Fight? {Gorgeous Pictures & Descriptive Results}
brought to you by Quizilla

 
The Aloof Cat
You are a person who lacks emotion. It
could be because something utterly
tragic/painful happened to you in the past
and that has made you no longer able to feel
anything. Your heart is scarred with the
remnants of the past or present, and that is
which that makes you like you are now.

Your Quote: "Now I am just a silhouette
down there, a silhouette of a memory of a
solitary night .. nothing more."

.[x]. What's Your Dark Quote? .[x]. [Anime Pictures included]
brought to you by Quizilla

If nothing else, take this quiz so you can read all the quotes, they're good.

Maybe more later, If I'm still bored...

My life is way too dull....

I feel tired and sick... I don't know why... I shouldn't be tired, I slept in 'till 3 today... and I haven't been this bad in months...

I just can't think anymore... my life's too much like a fucking soap opera... and I can't even go into details because I know who's reading this.

It's past three in the morning... and I can't sleep. For various reasons, but mostly going over this horrific soap-opera-life issue I was talking about. I just can't stop thinking about it all. I think I'll take a walk if I'm still up at five... I mean, I want to be up at seven, but I'll go with nine if I have to... I don't have to be at school until ten, and I really don't have a reason to be at school in the morning anymore...

Getting depressed typing this, I need to go try to sleep again...

Another Valentine's day that leaves me feeling sick and alone. I can't stand those holidays I have no reason to celebrate, this one included. I'd just thought that maybe once, I'd have someone for this damned holiday... I'll tell you what's going to happen at school tomarrow, if I even go that is...

I'll show up, and the couples (very few of them of course, but they'll be there) will already be at it. All that shit they pass off as love in a box... If I'm able to stay all day previously, it'd be a miracle if I'd stay after this. If I do, then the whole day, I'd just sit there, waiting for someone, anyone, to notice me, which, of course, they won't. No one ever does.

This is what sucks about having memory problems, I don't know if I've ever gotten anything for valentine's day... sure, the shit in elementary school that they force you to pass out, but that doesn't count... I can't remember ever spending Valentine's day with someone I loved... ever. I thought this year might be different... I was wrong.

It's times like these I feel like I'll never have someone think of me as more than a friend, like I'll never have anyone to wake me up from this nightmare drama of a hellhole I call life... I can't stand it anymore... it's too depressing...

I'm never going to get to sleep tonight...

Well, today went about as well as expected... No one noticed me, and my stomach was killing me the entire time... that and I was half asleep all day...

I must sadly admit that I'm lost in a game with no plot... I have no idea where to go or what to do now in Sabrous... Well, Maybe I'll think of something later...

I'm off to play video games, watch movies, and overall forget I have school tomarrow...

My watch keeps resetting itself... I need a new one... I have absolutely NO sense of time without my watch...

Well, my life's as confusing as ever... I've got so many problems I can't keep track of them all, and it's taking a toll on my schoolwork... Sometimes there is too much to handle... Being poor, being attracted to several people I could never have, AND finding out my mental disorder (Yes, I have one of those too.) not only makes school impossible, but is also what keeps me up at night... I don't see how anyone could deal with this, let alone ME.

I guess my disorder is the root of all my problems really... I can never be normal, never think like a normal person... I just can't take the strain. I put up a good show though, eh? I made it to high school... College seems out of the question right now though, I can't work that proficiently...

Why must I be cursed like this? A social disfunction, fucked up senses, the inability to sleep, AND to top it all off, my brain can't take in all that and still work on everyday things. I am NOT autistic. In fact, I think faster than most people do, but running on four to five hours of sleep a night, having problems often misinterpreted as ADHD (yes, I used to be on pills for that, didn't do shit, so they re-evaluated me, and figured out I was worse off than they thought.) AND having to put up with the fact that I will never be able to co-exist with other people, let alone ever have a relationship, I'm having a fucking hard time processing it all!

Frankly, I'm done with all this shit. I just want to go to college, settle down, and have a family, all while persuing a career I love. Is that so much to ask for?

The only reason I'm not putting down the disorder is frankly because I can't spell it. That, and the fact that there's more than one... I've confirmed at least two mental illnesses, and counting.

I'll post more on the good parts of my life that happened recently as soon as I remember what they are...

PS as long as they have it in stock, I'm getting Grandia III tomarrow. Lucky me...

Okay... back to the good stuff...

I went to a basketball game tonight. I got in with the band, thus it was free. (I'm not IN the band, but most of my friends are, so I let myself in.) I sat next to Gwyn for a good portion of it, which was cool... She's still a tadbit sick by the way... She couldn't play any music with the band, her throat hurt too much... I think.... She never told me that outright, I only assume from the fact that she was coughing the whole time...

Anyway, there's really not much to tell, so I guess I don't need to say anything else...

PS. Gwyn is also on Mindsay... arkatrine 

When a wet noodle (a mixture of beef and pork ramen to be exact) hits your eyeball and you start laughing, you know you've got problems...

I apologize if I found having a noodle in my eye funny, dispite it being painful.

Work on the webcomic is running smoothly, although at about 1/10th the pace of what I would deem a pace at all...

Needless to say, it's gonna be a while before it gets started...

Currently on disc 2 of Grandia III. The only reason I'm not upstairs playing it still is because my body frequently requires food. Damnable vessel... Well, while I'm down here, I might as well rant...

It does in fact live up to the Grandia name thusfar, beautiful graphics, exquisite combat system, and a kickass theme song... Not to mention a great plot... could've been done better, but still good.

Strangely, it reminds me of FFX... I find this very odd.... The two have very little in common.

GIII rant over for now, more to come when I finish the game...

Ugh... My head's all fucked up... I've got a headache, and my sinuses are so dry it hurts... Maybe I'm sick, I just don't know. Might've been all the gaming I've been doing... haven't done a gaming marathon like that (three days straight, nothing but games, food, and occasionally sleep) in months... Maybe I'm just out of it... I dunno.

Anyway, school tomarrow, and I've gotta put up with all this, plus the usual shit. Not gonna be fun.

Well, now you guys know why I took so many sick days, huh? The smallest things make my day unbearable, with all the day-to-day problems I have...

So far so good on Grandia III too, found a boss I need to level up for though...

Well, it's been decided, I'm staying home today... I've got way too many problems right now... I need sleep... but I just can't...

Damn my failing body....

Read and reply...

http://thefallenangel.mindsay.com/where_do_you_stand.mws

BLARG!!! My brain! It's melting! GraaAAHHHH!!!!

I'm actually thinking about yelling that, randomly, in the hall at school today. Because that's seriously what it feels like... It's just too confusing... Hard to keep track of everything, y'know?

Well, I'm thinking about sneaking into the game tonight, like last time... Maybe I can get some of this confusion cleared up there... I dunno...

The song with the most meaning to me right now: Pinch Me by Barenaked Ladies.

I'm falling asleep... and with good reason too... I just saw the clock... 3:30 AM. Not good... Oh well.

I don't know why I've been putting off trying to draw... I just have. Maybe I'm self consious about my work... I dunno... Planning on taking an art class next year though... With any luck, it'll help. If not, it's another elective I don't have to take somewhere else.

Heh.. my head's all numb... I can barely keep myself from laughing... I guess this is what happens when you get rest, but no sleep, your body's fine, but your brain is shot...

Some of my best thinking is done in this mindset... too tired to care... makes things a lot more clear, easier to handle... This probably doesn't make any sense to any of you... I just feel... happy... more at peace with myself and my problems, y'know? World's gonna turn out fine kinda' thing...

Now I remember why this feels familiar... It's how I felt back when I was still with my first girlfriend... as long as I had her, the world could burn for all I cared... This is sorta' like that... only it's just me... I kinda like it...

Ugh... This is what I get for eating two boxes of Mac & Cheese... Supposedly, that would feed 6-8 people... or so it says on the box... (3-4 people per box)

Well, I'm heading back to school tomarrow... and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when I get there... I had an interesting experience before the game on friday (this was after school) before meeting up with my friends.... I was bonding with one of the most despised people in the school. She really seems to have changed since the last time we've talked... And honestly, I might ask her out.

Other than the fact that more than half the school will hate me, because they hate her, I really have nothing to lose.

Well, yeah, I do... Most of my friends are among those that hate her...

She really did seem like she needed a friend at least...

The odd thing is, I have this overwhelming feeling that I've done something horribly wrong, but I can't figure out what...

Maybe I should go back to school...

Nope...

I finally made it to what I believe to be the final boss of Grandia III.

The fucker killed me. Right when I was about to win... One more turn... But it killed me... *sigh* I guess I shouldn't be so pissed, I mean, I only spent an hour picking away at his HP... 120000... (I don't remember exactly) doesn't sound like much until you take into account the most I can do in one turn is about 5000... and those I can only use once every ten turns or so... (healing and lack of SP/MP)

The worst part is, he had his own game-over dialogue, and I just realize this when I turn off my PS2. Ugh... Well, no reason to be pissed about it now...

Yeah, about that girl... Never mind.

I don't want to go out with her, she's just a friend.

I just feel like giving up... on all of it... I just don't feel like I'm cut out to do anything I try... Hell, I might give up on drawing... I dunno... I may be okay at it, but I just never seem to want to draw...

And I don't think I'm going to school tomarrow... at least not for very long. Maybe to work on that project I'm going to fail if I don't show up... The rest of the day is questionable however.

To be honest... there are too many girls I like, and too few I actually want to know... I can't stand being me... I can't focus on anything that matters... school, or what I'm going to do now... All I can think about is the future, and I'm so caught up in it that I can't even figure out how to get there... That is my problem. I'm 17, and I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I'm looking for a wife, I'm worried about kids, college, a career, where I want to be in life, and I've spent so much time on it, that I've lost touch with here and now...

I'm still just a kid, I can't handle thinking like I do...

Sorry... I really hadn't meant for this to be so long... I'd only meant to say the first two lines... but these things write themselves...

All I want is to be happy, and I have no idea how to do that...

yourz is "Sarcasm its only one of the services
i offer" get out there and show it off

Which Kick Ass Shirt Saying Are You??
brought to you by Quizilla

You shelter a Demon
of Darkness. He is one of a kind. Not very destructive for
others but for yourself, he is nonetheless
the worst. He is the demon who forces you to
close you heart and you mind, to be hostile
and introverted. And like the friendly demon,
he is nearly always awake. You must find a way to put him to sleep, maybe with
the help of another demon, like the wind
demon or the water demon.

What demon sleeps inside you ?
brought to you by Quizilla

More to come later. I just need a little break...

Caring: Your love is caring. You are constantly
worrying about the well being of your partner
(if you don't have a partner, this will apply
when you DO get one,) to the point where you
almost mother him/her. You care deeply, and
would hate yourself if anything were to
happen to your partner. People love the fact
that you go out of your way to help others,
but don't let this allow them to control you.
You only strive for long term relationships,
and you excel in relationships that require
you to help, or give advice. The world needs
more people like you! Element: Earth What you look for in love: Someone with a heart, or
someone who is troubled.

(Personality) What kind of LOVE are you? (With great pix)
brought to you by Quizilla

Meh... out of quizzes... for now...

AH GOTS PIIIEEEE!!!!!

That's right folks, I have pie. Mom made my favorite, Pumpkin, out of season. Pie out of season is always the best... Usually you only eat this stuff at Thanksgiving, however, I get ahold of the stuff two or three times a year. SHe was supposed to wait for me, to teach me how to make the damn things myself after I move out, but no, another time perhaps. I do love my pie....

Well, now I'm off to check my other blog. ^_^

If I don't sleep tonight... I'm not going to be able to go to school. I don't care what anyone says, I can't go three days without sleep and still do anything...

So, I'm a little stressed out right now. And that makes it hard to get to sleep.

I need more caffeine. I am not going to be able ot stay awake all through school, but mom'll send me anyway, so I should at least pack away enough sugar and shit to get through the first class.

The rest of the day, you should be able to find that I've passed out on my desk.

After all, here's my schedule... Japanese 1, Algebra 2, study period X 3. Yes... Exciting, no? Goddamn simester classes...

Ugh... knarly head pains... it doesn't hurt, but it aches, and that can't be good... Last night my chest was hurting too, right under my left arm, and a little in... If anyone out there has any medical insight into this, I'd like to hear it.

Goddamn fucking site wouldn't work... VERY pissed about that...

Mindsay was fucked up, at least on MSN, or whatever... the link in my favorites wouldn't work. And now... shit... I don't know...

Dammit... Why can't I stop shaking?

After my entry last night, I took a walk, and it helped, but now it's back... I don't know what it is... Fear? Sadness? Happiness? Jealousy?

There are so many questions I want answered... and so many things I have yet to find questions to describe...

Watching Princess Mononoke, gonna watch it with the original Japanese audio track afterwards....

I need ice cream... anything to make the day seem better...

What is wrong with me?

I just... can't stand it anymore... any of it.

Well, I've found a girl I want to ask out, now all I need to do is figure out how... Heh... With what she was talking about, it doesn't seem like she's interested in a relationship right now... so... I think I'll wait for a good moment...

The Five Love Languages

Complete set of results

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Might be more quizzes later...

EDIT: I didn't know it would be in black, or that it would be so hard to read it... sorry.

Well... crap.... I think I've got the shits... That's what I get for eating two boxes of half-cooked pasta... well, almost two boxes... and not all of it was underdone, but apparently, enough of it was. So, I might not go to school today.

Yeah, sleep, tonight, pro'lly ain't gonna happen.

Little worked up over tomarrow, among other things.

Blocked that pansy-ass freak. He shouldn't be able to read any of my stuff now. well, anyway, I'm not sure what to do about Jessica, the girl I like, I mean, when should I ask her out? I mean, I'm just a friend to her... There are too many variables... and I'm not even sure of what she thinks of me... and, by what she said, would she say yes to anyone? She doesn't seem interested in a relationship right now... Goddamnit... I'm overthinking this... I'll try to talk to her over the weekend... Until then, I've got season finales for Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, and Battlestar Galactica to look forward to, and Drakengard 2 to keep me busy.

Overall, my life should seem better right now... I just hope everything turns out okay...

Well, she told me she knew I liked her, and told me no right there. Dammit... why can't I just leave this be! I mean, I just have this empty feeling, I always do...

Goddamnit... I need someone to talk to...

I'm taking some time off from school. To cool down. I mean, I can't focus, not while he's there... I'd be more likely to tear him apart than anything else... I just... can't go.

I'll head back monday morning and set everything up, getting work sent to me and such... say bye to people...

Heh... I'm still hyped up on adrenaline, that alone is reason for me not to be there... I'm still not thinking clearly... or at least, not clearly enough to try that again... It will take time for me to be ready to go back. If they really are my friends, they'll understand that. And... I'm sorry Whitney... I know... it was probably the adrenaline, but, for a moment there, I resented you as well.

I hope you can forgive me...

I just want life to go back to the way it was... simple, clean, easy... but it never will.

You know what I just found out? If you don't burn off an adrenaline overdose, it hurts like hell... everything's aching... especially that spot on my spine that hurt last night...

Yeah, I need to see a doctor...

I want to forgive, I truely do, but this is not who I am.

This is not what I am.

Apologies... I must have confused who and what again... oh well... we are only what we think we are, are we not?

My message is this, if a man truely thinks he is a dog, then he is a dog, and none will ever convince him otherwise...

So tell me, what am I?

What the hell am I looking for on these late night walks? Now everything's frozen, and the fact that my knuckles are cold and rigid is making it VERY difficult to type...

Why can't I stop thinking about them? About her? It's over, and that's it. None of them could ever love the real me... Hell, I doubt any of them have ever seen the real me... Until now...

My song right now...

Enid

by Barenaked Ladies.

Enid lyrics

And now, thanks to george, I am not allowed on school grounds. Early spring break. ^_^

For that, I'm not angry. But the fact that he's had my internet time restricted infuriates me, as well as all the other basic facets of my life that have been questioned.

I was ready to drop this. I was ready to just let it go. Not anymore. You fuck with my friends, and I get angry. Really angry. And just when I'm ready to drop the one thing you can do to piss me off, all this shit happens regarding ME. In this state, is the only time this sort of thing will piss me off. And it has.

You will need to seek your forgiveness elsewhere. For it will be long before I forget this.

They don't need me, and they don't want me... If they did, they would have sought me out... said something... anything... but they didn't.

I've always had people around me to tell me not to kill myself... I wonder what'll happen now that they're gone...

Why won't anyone talk to me?

I've been gone for two weeks. And I have some ranting to do.

First off, this applies to the people who live near me, and no one else. If you don't know me, you shouldn't be bothered by this.

Out of all my friends, only three people bothered to talk to me, James, Tyler, and Robert. They sought me out, and asked me if I was okay. The rest of you left me to rot when I needed you most. You are no friends of mine. I made it bluntly obvious I was going to try to kill myself, and I did. Apparently, I'm more resiliant than I thought... toxic my ass... but I digress... Despite all this, you left me for dead. I have a social disorder! You cannot leave me alone! I had no idea how to handle this, and you all should have known it. Thus, these past two weeks have been one suicidal breakdown after another. I'm done blaming him for my problems, this was my fault. It was one of the five mistakes I will never let myself forget. #4: Trusting in others. If you want the other four, request them, and I will tell you. That is why I had friends, people who would help me through these difficult times in my life... and you have proven that I should never have believed that others could help me.

Actually, I contacted one of you, and they said that you all, or at least they, had too much homework to be bothering with me. So, I waited until after spring break, in which time there should have been no reason for all of you to keep yourselves away from me before I passed judgement. And I have found that the people I trusted most to help me with this, were never interested in helping me at all. Apologies to those of you who actually stayed friends, but none of you guys could have talked my way out of this slump. Apologies to Hannah as well, you have good reason not to seek me out, I know how busy you are.

And thus, it is my decision to transfer schools, so not only do you not have to put up with my bullshit anymore, but I will not be swayed into another position like this one, by the same people. If I call for help, you will not answer. I know because I DID call for help. And you found it convenient to let me slip further into my insanity.

You know, with my memory, I couldn't remember all these childhood lessons on friendship, even if I had learned them. And so, I foolishly put my trust into you, hoping that if my life was going to fall apart, I'd have my friends to fall back on... But I didn't. And it shattered my view of the world.

I wish to be done with hate and sadness, thus I must leave all of you behind. All those who would be my friends, only to leave me, when I find the value of friendship... I need people... and the people I cared about left me when I needed people to be there for me, to stand with me when I was alone...

I don't want to be alone.

I'm changing the header text bit... so, I'm going to start putting down the meanings for all these little sayings before I change them, as I believe deeply in the messages behind them...

'Feel free to sever the chains of fate that bind you, the very links that bind us to this world...'

It means we are bound by fate. That our destinies, our lives, the things we do every day, are all pre-determined, and to deviate from fate, is to end the world, as fate would no longer exist.

Like I said, this is the stuff I believe. You can take this however you want, but these are my feelings, and they'd gotten me through life until recently...

Well, I just found out it's too late in the year to transfer schools. Meaning I can either go back, or go into the off-site program. And seeing as I can't go back, I'm stuck in the crazies. Well, not just crazies, I mean, the off-site program is for people who can't deal with normal school, be it for social disorders or medical reasons, and teen moms. I bet none of you can guess which category I fit under...

On a side note: I love sarcasm.

Frankly, I've never been that pissed off before. I still haven't gotten over it yet. To tell you the truth, I'm scared of myself. That's why I'm not going back.

And it's not just fear of hurting the bastard that started all this, I'm scared I'll maul someone I'd actually regret hurting... Now that I've dug myself into this murderous mentality, I can't go back so long as I'm still angry at anyone... And there are quite a few people I'm angry at right now...

Oh well... maybe I'll find some new friends... I don't think I've met most of the people there... a new start, and I don't even have to leave town...

I really can't lose in this situation, anyone from school worth hanging out with, I can do so afterschool, so I'm not really missing anything by leaving. Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

I mean, I am sad I can't be friends with some of them anymore, but they hurt me, and I can't let them hurt me again. It's not that I can't handle being sad, I just can't handle being angry. And I don't want to be angry at them, so I have to cut myself off from them. Or else I might hurt them worse than they've hurt me.

All the counselors and teachers and everyone who's talked to me about my anger says that no matter how angry I get, I'm in control. That's not true. The angrier I get, the harder it is for me to remember right and wrong, who not to hurt, what not to do... it's happened before, and I'm not going to let it happen again.

So say what you will about me, I'm still trying to fix this. And I've come close, each time failing cataclysmically. The five mistakes I'll never let myself forget, remember? The bad part is, they'd all work, if things didn't change like they do... every time something starts to work, something like this comes along and shatters it... and to be honest, I'm tired of trying, only to fail.

I'm sorry... I need to finish this later... I'm either going to start bawling or break something...

I'm sick of this gut feeling that I've done something wrong. I dunno... maybe it's that damn dream... could've done something better, y'know? I've always made mistakes, and I've always paid for them. I still want to apologize, but I can't. I just don't have what it takes to go out and find them so I can tell them face-to-face. These horrible feelings are tearing me up inside... and I want it to stop. I just don't know how...

MUHWA! The Buster Blade is complete! I have named it thus because the size ratio is somewhere between Cloud's Buster Sword, and Auron's katana, which is pretty damn big by itself... But yeah, I'm talking about a foam sword for beating other people, also wielding foam swords, to a pulp. At 77in. / 6.4ft. long, (56in. / 4.6ft. blade) and 3.6in. wide, I think I can honestly say it is kickass.

My previous bigass sword, my masamune, was 88in. / 7.3ft. long, (55in / 4.6ft. blade) and 2.5in. wide.

Yeah, I like big swords.

IN OTHER NEWS!

My life has reached a level of kickassery I thought I would never see again... I'm actually having fun on a daily basis now! Mostly due to the fact that I'm walking this totally kickass girl home from school. (Yeah, I have to wait for school to get out, then I wait near the school like the stalker I am. So?) But yeah, I'm trying to get her to hang out with me. Not like a date... with other people around... Amtgard, and Avatar night... Amtgard being the sport of sword fighting with the previously mentioned foam swords, and Avatar night being just that... Me and James meeting every friday at my place to watch Avatar, as well as a few other shows I previously recorded.

I have a new crush I might stand a chance with, and I'm having fun. I've got a way to pass high school without putting up with all the problems I had at Central... Life is good. ^_^

Well, today went pretty well I think...

I had a little problem with my anger this morning, they all just keep bringing this back up... I'm DONE with what happened back then... So, I went home early, and ended up walking around all day...

And then I went to meet Ariel (I cannot be spelling this wrong... I hope.) afterschool, we talked, sat down for a while, and went through this house that's still under construction. And then, when we got to her place, she turns around and hugs me. She hugged me! SPLEE! ^_^

I am happy, despite my sunburn...

BLARG!

I've got a lot of things on my mind right now... if I remember, I'll blog about them later...